Washington, D.C. – In a shocking announcement, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today admitted that the United States government took possession of the long-lost Ark of the Covenant in the late 1930s in a scenario straight out of the classic film, Raiders of the Lost Ark. The government was forced to make the statement after Vice President Joseph Biden inadvertently displayed a classified briefing folder on the famed ancient artifact during a recent White House press conference.
“Many of the details you see in Raiders of the Lost Ark are actually true,” Secretary Clinton said. “There was indeed an American archaeologist who was commissioned in 1937 by U.S. government agents to retrieve the Ark before Adolf Hitler could get his hands on it.” Clinton confirmed that President Franklin D. Roosevelt was concerned that the Ark possessed the powers claimed for it by the Bible and did not want it to fall into Nazi hands.
Clinton explained that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, the creators of the Indiana Jones series, did not invent the plot of Raiders of the Lost Ark but instead were told the incredible story in the late 1970s by an elderly CIA operative, who had first-hand knowledge of the clandestine operation. This agent never revealed his identity to the filmmakers but simply called himself by the alias “Deep Toht” (Lucas and Spielberg went on to use “Toht” as the name of a Nazi villain in the movie). Clinton would not reveal the agent’s real name.
Clinton did reveal the identity of the archaeologist who helped the United States recover the Ark as Fullmer Smith, called “Full” by friends, though he preferred the nickname “Monty,” which came from the name of the family-owned dog, “Montana.” Clinton admitted that the Ark is housed in a secret government warehouse, as depicted in the final scene of the 1981 film. “The problem right now is that we can’t find the Ark,” Clinton added, “but Joe Biden has been tasked with tracking it down.” When reached for comment, Vice President Biden’s office told PRH that a series of government “navigators” had been commissioned to help search for the sacred object.